he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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