she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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