I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
