I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
