Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
