Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
