Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
