I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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