I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
