the condom got lost in my hair
Do vagina's smell?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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