just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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