i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
