I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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