Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
