My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
