I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
