I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize