he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
