you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Randomize