How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize