About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
