dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
