I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
