when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
