Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
