if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
