Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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