The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
