At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
