Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
