a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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