He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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