Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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