You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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