It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
