If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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