you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
