How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
