return my video game
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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