The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
