I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
