I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
