tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Michael Bay diarrhea
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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