I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
