The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
