A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
