she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
