guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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