explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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