is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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