I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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