I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
