i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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