Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
