I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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