opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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