Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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