I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
